The following is a true and unedited story of the life behind the man... Daddy. The story you are about to read is based on true events of the journey and life of Daddy from the early years to the present, some names in this story have been changed to protect their identity... this story will take you through the struggles, battles, tears, pain and all the events that took place and have created the man he is today... through the writings of the one and only, Daddy...
The following maybe disturbing for some and contains adult material that may not be suitable for some... your discretion is advised.
"Don't judge me for who you think I am because I am as you are... imperfect... I give you nothing but who I really am... I am... Evan" -From the writings of Evans journal "My Reflections"
-The year is 1978 and I enter the world bare and fragile, Hector Evan Soria Hernandez... the city is East Los Angeles... my mother is a beautiful loving and very tender hearted woman Maria Soria Hernandez and my father a strong hard working very macho and egotistical Mexican man Evaristo Hernandez. A special child to become someone very unique with a big heart an auntie tells my mother the day I was born... gifted and talented... "keep him safe" my auntie looks into my eyes and says a blessed child a very gifted child.
Full of life, love and curiosity the little boy grows through his childhood as a rapid wild fire quick and strong... he grows as any other normal child would... the love of my parents along side the company of my brother who was born the same year and though we maybe the same sign we are two completely different souls, he was born January of 78 and I, December of that year as well. The little boy grows full of curiosity and joy as any little 7 year old little boy would grow up to be... normal, innocent, pure and very curious... till the day that little boy becomes me... he becomes Evan and is exposed the cruel reality this world is made of... predators and people with a sick heart and mind... I take over the story as Evan as the reality of a molested child becomes my story... My neighbors son (Jose) at the age of 15 exposes me, my brother (Mike) and a childhood friend of mine (Carlos) to porn... I clearly remember it... it was all fun and games to the three of us... of course I was 7, my brother Mike was 8 and my friend Carlos was 7 as well... at first I didnt understand the material he was showing us... the hard core porn of women being penetrated by men of course isnt something a child of 7 years would understand... I was always one to follow my older brother so as I saw him laughing at it I joined him thinking it was okay since he was doing it... it happened like 2 times with my brother there and my friend, the third time it happened it was only myself and Carlos... my neighbors son Jose of 15 years began showing us gay porn and not only that be he began exposing himself to me and Carlos... again after seeing the porn and remembering my brother laughing at it I remember saying to myself then this should be fun too... I remember Jose pulling out his penis as he would get erected and I clearly remember him saying to us "this is how a grown mans dick looks like" I remember Carlos being more curious then me and wanting to see more of Jose's penis then Jose went a little further and told the both of us... you guys have one too so pull it out... and at that point is when I became a little uncomfortable and so did Carlos... we both said no so Jose said thats fine watch what I can do and began to masturbate in front of us... I clearly remember him looking at me as he masturbated right in front of us and at that point I wanted nothing more to do with it because it just didnt seem fun anymore so I remember wanting to leave and go home but Jose had other plans... he didnt want me nor Carlos to leave so he locked his bedroom door and said you guys better not tell anybody because I will have to hurt you... so I remember that he forced us to watch him masturbate until he would ejaculate on himself... when that happened I remember Carlos crying and wanting to go home me having such a fear because I had a deep down feeling that this was not right... after he let us out that last time I remember those words he told us... "if you tell anybody I will hurt you" I never saw my friend Carlos again because later that year his family moved away... as for me, I never went back to my neighbors house and remember having the worst nightmares for a while and having the biggest fear that he was going to come through my window at night and hurt me... that is why I never told anybody until I was 18 when I came out to my mother... I remember running into him years after around the age of 20... by that time I had gotten over it and accepted it for what it was... I was one of the lucky ones that was not raped but I'm sure if it would have continued it would have gotten to that point because I remember one time Jose asked Carlos to show him his rear... even though neither my friend Carlos nor myself were physically or sexually touched, it was still considered child molestation... Jose might have been under age as well and maybe not in his right mind at that age but I know it was still molestations... I truly was lucky that it didnt get to the point of penetration rape... its something I look back on today and just thank God it wasnt something that really scared me for life... it haunted me as a child but as a grown man today I've left it in my past...
Couple years pass and my journey continues on... as a child growing up through my teens life begins to change for my family... I remember my father being there through my childhood but not as a husband to my mother... you know the normal fighting... I really didnt pay much attention to their marriage because as long as my father was there for me I was fine... but of course that all changed with time... at the age of 13 my father decides we should move to a better place to raise me and my brother and sister. We end up moving to Lancaster California for 7 or 8 years... through those years I end up discovering my homosexuality and facing the reality of it still confused of what it really was and of course having the most macho father who had the strongest of Mexican up bringing, it was the hardest things to face for me as a teen... I remember being so scared of even having the thought of other men and asking myself what if my father finds out, I can never be Gay... he would kill me... so I remember trying my hardest to try to hide it and even try to ignore it... but of course one cant ignore the real person they are... I remember one time my father catching me and a friend playing under the sheets though fully clothed, we were messing around... of course at the age of 13 I was still a young kid... not knowing better... I think either my father didnt want to accept the fact that he caught his son with another boy, or maybe he didnt really see it as two boys messing around under the sheets... my father never brought it up and that was the end of it... never did I try that again with another boy... well thats until I lost my virginity, but thats further in the story... lol....
Well I turn 15 and the marriage of my parents is obvious for anybody to see that they were not happy... things began to change with my father... he started becoming colder, harder, and more heartless not only with my mother but with me and my little sister...by this time my brother had moved out to my grandmothers house because he and my father werent getting along... I remember that it began to get loud between my mother and father to the point where I remember having to take my little sister to her room because she was seeing them fight and I didnt want her to see it... other times I remember coming out of my room and walking into the kitchen and seeing my mother crying at the table by herself and my father not being home anymore... at first I couldnt understand why my father began to change with us... as a child he was the best man I ever knew... he was the best father and husband and now all that was fading away... he became tougher on me and my sister and I began to see a man who I once knew as the best Dad in the world turn into a monster... his drinking became unbearable and his personality became darker... he put so much fear in me and my sister that he was an image of fear and anger all the time... he never seemed to be happy... financially he was there and we had all we wanted as kids... but it was my mother who lost it all... she became a prisoner in the house we had... very beautiful home we had out there but inside was a totally different story. My father worked about an hour away from our house so to him he said it was too far for him to drive back during the week and he began to go through a phase where he would not come home from work for days... he said it was better for him to stay at his sisters house so he wouldnt drive all that during the week, little did my mother know that was the beginning of my fathers affair. Things between my mother and my father worsened and my little sister and I were pretty much pushed off to the side because I know when adults go through rough times it is the children who get the worst of it... and we sure did... the worse my parents go the lonelier I felt as a teen growing up feeling that I had no father figure around... and my mother was too weak to bear it all by herself... so I wondered into a world by myself a world of self discovery... by this time my parents were no longer a couple... they were still married and my father was still around but he wasnt you know... I was 17 or 18 by this time and their marriage became dark and pretty much non existent... my poor mother was at her weakest as I remember losing our big beautiful home that my mother and myself grew to love so much... many memories stayed in that house when we lost it... my mother to this day thinks it was my fathers plan to get rid of us... to lose everything little by little so it could be easier for him to move on... we packed our stuff and headed back to Los Angeles, well to the valley... the San Fernando Valley where we were raised as kids before we moved to Lancaster. By that time my father and mother more so my father had decided to split... my mother and father lasted a few more months together before they moved out separately... my mother moved in with her brother (my uncle) and she took my little sister with her... I moved out to a guest home with my father because the place my mother moved into was a garage... not a guest house but a garage that was not suitable for people to live in, no bathroom, no running water nothing but a damn window and a huge garage door... I just couldnt move in there... so I moved with my father... and that was the beginning of the wildest chapter of my life... my young adult life...
The year is around 1998 and I believe I was 18 or 19 living with only my father... I remember this point of my life so well because it was the craziest time of my life... so many crazy memories at this point of my life, it was a very sad point too because its when I lost a dear friend of mine in a horrible car accident in which its too horrible to really get into details... she was one of my good friends who was killed in a car accident but what makes that story so hard to tell is that she was the only one wearing a seat belt, the car flipped and turned 8 times throwing everyone from the car but her and landing on her crushing her and instantly killing her, she was only 16 will never forget that point and that call... to this day she is greatly missed... further beyond that hard loss continued my self destructing ways, I was a young man who had just come out of the closet to my mother and had just began to live openly gay and make new gay friends and of course began to experience the gay life... it was the point of my life where I lost my virginity with another guy... it was the first time in my life I felt the warmth of a males insides as a young 18 year old having intercourse for the first time... it sure was an experience I will take with me forever, not because of who it was but because of the feeling... to have ejaculated inside a boy... was just an experience like no other... I'm sure all gay boys have gotten that same feeling for the first time... feeling like no other. Well that was just the beginning for me... my first sexual experience with a boy... just the beginning of this new world for me... new world that I was experiencing all by myself with no parent to guild me... my mother wasnt around because she was too busy coping with her failed marriage, my father was never home because of course he was busy being a man whore... well at least I think he was because he was separated man who was just itching to jump back into the single life... what can I say my father was a wanna be player... and women did want him... for what ever reason that was... lol... well because he was out doing his thing he forgot one simple little thing... that he had a son... me, and for that reason I experienced life in a very crazy way because I had no guidance to show me right from wrong... I was forced to raise myself at the age of 19... I hung out with the wrong crowd at school and was exposed for the first time to drugs... meth to be exact... I remember it clearly... it was a friends birthday and she was having some friends over... so it was pretty much the whole gang from school... it was a school day and we all planned to ditch so we did and headed to her parents house who obviously weren't around and thats where the popped the pipe out and Evan was introduced to it... wow what a feeling for a 19 year old... I remember doing it a couple more times after that... at this time I remember meeting a friend by the name of Sergio... and with that crowd came Cindy, Diana, Alex, David, Merna and Thomas... oh yeah I remember that click... these were my new firends who introduced me to more crazy shit... at this point of my life I'm exposed to sex and man was I exposed to it hard... I was young and it was fun... like they say... "young dumb, and full of cum" well I sure was all three... by this time I'm hitting what they called the "T-Scene" which was the gay scene back then... I'm sure they have this scene today but I am also sure it was nothing like it was back then... I'm living the young gay life, sex, drugs and party... lots and lots of it... by this time I'm living from friends house to friends house... where ever I would fine a party crowd there I was sleeping there and not going home for days... it was pretty bad. Couple months later I come across one of the craziest and funniest guys that I befriend and still close friends with to this day... his name is Luis... lol... oh Luis... a good and close friend... I shared so many memories with this friend... I remember this is the guy I became close friends with, in this point of my life is where the alcohol became my friend and my escape to realities pain and fears... it was when "Arena" was hot and the spot to be in... everybody knew Arena and everybody would go... it was like our version of Studio 54 for reals... all gay and straight people where there... and further I lost myself in the life of alcohol, drugs and sex... and still my father not being a part of my life because he was too busy with his... I remember this part of my life very well because its when I became my worst enemy.
I remember this one night where I ended up going out to a T party and getting so wasted that I ended up roaming West Hollywood, how I dont even recall... but that night I remember running into an older guy maybe around 30 who seemed very nice and humble... attractive to him obviously, I stumbled over to him as he said whats up with his eyebrows... "hey handsome" he said to me... and me being in my drunk ass condition totally fell for him... we began small talk and next thing you know he's asking me to go home with him and at that age I was and that point of my life there was no second thought no doubt of not going home with him so there I was in his car driving to his house... even though I was wasted I do remember him giving me all these compliments and I was loving every minute... well as we pulled up to his house he even opened the door and was the most gentleman with me the whole time... we get up to his low lit apartment with antique furniture and paintings... I remember his place had a very warm feeling to it... very nice place it was... of course no time is wasted and he walks me directly to his bed room and asks if I want something to drink... no thanks I replied... and next thing you know he's taking my clothes off as we are both fully erect... lays me down on the bed and we begin to fuck... its one of the most incredible fucks I had experienced as a young man... but it was the end that stayed in my head for me... as we finished and laid there as he caressed my face he turned to me and asked "will you be my boyfriend" shocked to hear that from someone I had just met, I replied... no, I dont even know you... the next words that popped out of his mouth were the most surprising words I had ever heard... "I will pay you to be my boyfriend" as he pulled out a hundred dollar bill. To my surprise as a young gay man the sight of money as it is known to be for many... sure changed my mind... there I was, I just couldn't believe it, there was this 30 year old offering me money to be his boyfriend... so being young and lost in my own world I took the offer and became his boyfriend in exchange for money... that man became my sugar Daddy. I remember sitting there thinking to myself if this man can give me money for that then dang I'm sure I can make other guys pay for shit too... and that there was the beginning of my next interest... my interest in sex for exchange for money... an escort... at this point in my life I dont even know who I am... I have no guidance, no real friends not direction I am just living life as it comes. I got really caught up in that life because it became easy for me... it became something that gave me something back and to me at that age I didnt know better, I didnt know how lost I was... I didnt know that I was only hurting myself and hiding my pain, my fears by doing drugs, drinking and going out all the time with people I didnt even know... and on top of that playing the escort that I had become so familiar with at the age of 22. Lost in my own shadows and desperately trying to find and create my own identity but shadowed by my weakness to my temptations. It was the easy way out for me... easy money for something I loved to do... and the crazy fun parties that came with all the alcohol and drugs and all for free... sure why not it was great for the moment, yes a moment that I became numb and blind to the outside world soon after that I stumbled onto the adult industry and soon found myself posing nude for different websites and adult companies... even though it was a short period that I ended up doing porn I sure learned something about that... dont do it if you are not 100% sure about it... I never did the hardcore porn like fuck on camera it was always solo jobs posing and doing videos by myself... though I got so many offers to do hard core porn it just wasnt in me to do that on video... escorting came easier because it was behind closed doors I guess... I became a porn star and quickly my name faded away from that industry and I grew away from it because it began to get a little crazy with photographers and their greedy ways... so of course I quit that really quick... never looking back and regretting any of it... I'm sure to this day there are still some sites that still have me up... hey I was some sites biggest money makers (back then) lol...
Deeper and deeper i fell to this world I had created, a world of dead ends... a fast world of sex, drugs and money... I remember one time I ended up with some guy who ended up taking me to his house and of course the money had already been placed on the counter... but there was something different about this night and this guy, this guy wanted to top me... he wanted to penetrate me and I had never been penetrated before so he offered me more to give it to him... as good as the money looked I just couldnt push myself to do that and called it off... pissed and angry the guy tells me man fuck this I'm taking you home... so he begins to drive me home and on the way he asks one last time "come on let me fuck you" and scared to go there I refuse one last time and he breaks into a rage... he pulls over on the high way and opens my door from his side and tells me to get out "GET THE FUCK OUT" and not having a clue of where we were I tell him no, take me home... when all of a sudden he throws a blow to my right side of the face, "GET THE FUCK OUT" and he begins to drive with the door open... he exits the first street and basically tells me to get out or he'll hurt me... not wanting to but knowing it wud be for the best I finally step out and as I stand there on that cold November night holding myself as I see him drive off into the dark... I look around and still not one clue of where the hell I'm at I begin to walk down the street... I get to some dark street that kinda looked familiar but not really I begin to walk up some hill and come across a freeway passage, I look up under the bridge and see a small dark spot under the freeway, I take a look around there is nothing viable but the low lit street lights... I walk up to the dark spot under the freeway bridge and sit... cold as hell I begin to ball into tears... what the fuck am I doing... where the fuck is my life going... no able to stand my tears and the cold... I wrap myself in my arms and fall asleep... not knowing if I was gonna die out in the cold... I pray to God to keep me in his arms and let nothing happen to me... I wake up the next morning to a blessing of a new day and the beginning of another chapter...
At the age of 23 I have put that crazy life behind me... I stopped the escorting really quick that only lasted a little less then a year and the crazy parting as well... thats when I met my first "real" relationship, its when I met Isac... I say real because it's the first relationship that taught me a very valuable lesson in life... but the relationship was far from a real one... it was where I discovered another ugly angry person inside of me... in this relationship I discovered the abuser in me... he was 19 and I was 23... and by this time me and my father had become unbearable to eachother so I moved out of his house and moved in with my mother in that little shack of a garage... at that same time my brother had moved in as well... so imagine in a small little garage shack, my mother, my sister, my brother and his girlfriend, myself and my boyfriend... allllllll in that garage... it wasthe worst time for my family... my mother was working her ass off for my sister, I was unemployed and my brother was too... my sister was in school and my boyfriend was pretty much the only one working... that life lasted for maybe two years... all crammed up in one little ass space... I look back and just cant believe we lasted two years in that little shack... a little after that me and my boyfriend ended up moving out into a bedroom that some gay guy was renting... it was in Burbank, a very nice area... things seemed to be great, nice place, finally got a job, and things were good... until that unforgettable night... it was my little sisters Quincenera, sweet 15... and we were at the party as I had been drinking like crazy because it was my little sisters big party so you know us Mexicans we love to drink for anything but more on special occasions... I was openly gay to my family by that time so my family already knew of me and my boyfriend... it was the first time I took him to a big family party though... so anyways, the night ended the party and it was around 1am... and as drunk as I can remember that night Isac leaned over to me and said "babe, can we go I'm tired" and not quit ready to leave though the party was pretty much over I looked at him and said "what the fuck u mean leave, this is my sisters birthday, I dont want to leave" as he replied "baby but its over already, everybody is leaving" so of course being drunk it bothered me and pretty much pissed me of that he was asking to leave. So of course I said bye to my family, angry and pissed I take the keys from him and tell him "I'm driving" of course in the condition I was in I was no where near okay to drive... three blocks down Isac turns to me and says "baby, let me drive you are really drunk" and I literally turned into my father and start screaming at him like my father would scream to my mother calling her names... "what the fuck do you mean I cant drive" so I remember pulling over and screaming at him... "I'M NOT DRUNK" and he replied "YES YOU ARE" and suddenly I screamed back "STOP FUCKEN YELLING AT ME" and just began hitting him on his face as I grabbed onto his shirt... I remember blood on on his face, and I got to say it was like 6 or 7 hard blows to his face... I just remember him screaming to let him go, as I did he pushed the door open and walked over t0 my side and opened my door and said "get the fuck out you are too fucken drunk and this is my car" I stepped out of the car and he closed his door and said "find a ride home" I looked at him and of course did the typical abuser bullshit... "babe, I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry please dont leave me" and of course he fell for it... we end up driving home and the craziest thing I remember was when we got to the house we walked up to the bedroom the lights stayed off and I just crawled into bed as he walked into the bathroom and I heard the water running in the sink... he walked out turned off the lights and got into bed... I then got up to use the bathroom, drunk as hell and remembering my hand throbbing from the blows to his face... I walked into the bathroom tuned on the light and all I remember was dripps of blood in the sink, and as I walked over to the toilet I remember seeing a bung of toilet paper in the trash can full of blood... my reaction was far from non other I have ever had... I could not believe I had done that... as I walked out of the bathroom, turned off the light and got back into bed, I remember leaning over to him kissing him on his forehead and saying "I love you and I'm sorry" I then held him as he cried... we fell asleep in my arms... the next morning I woke up to him getting ready to go to work, as he walked into the bedroom to come tell me he was leaving to work I looked at his face and I broke into tears... his face was swollen every where... I just could not believe I had done all of that... I told him I was so sorry and of course what was his response... "I forgive you" that relationship lasted for 2 years... and the beatings went on for the same... the end of that relationship was a lesson learned for me... I remember the day before I knew I was going to break it up I went to a tattoo parlor and got his initials on my hip which is the one many of you have seen... the initials I.C. "Isac Crisanto" I got them to symbolize the lesson I had learned in that relationship... it was a reminder tattoo... a reminder of what not to be... of the monster I became and have tried to hard not to be anymore... did I succeed... no, the next relationship was the same... I showed my love to him with my fist... only difference between this boyfriend was that he was a lot older then me... he was 34 and I was 25...
Another chapter of my life... I feel the need to talk about this relationship because in this relationship I molded another part of me... I molded the individual side of me... even though this relationship taught me the true meaning of love it had its dark side too... this boyfriend "Paul" was a very grown and hard working guy who showed me the true meaning of love, that love has no conditions, no boundaries, no limits... that when you love someone you love them no matter what... the relationship itself was very strange... it had its good side and it had its bad sides... good because he let me move in with him and we created our life together and bad because a while after moving in he got into the dealing business... and that was the beginning of my ecstasy era... lol... because he became a dealer it was easily accesable for me and it was something that him and I did together for a long period of time... I got really caught up in ecstasy with him... and though he did provide it I'm not blaming him for it... because I was 25 so I could have easily said no but it just became something we both did almost every weekend... I got addicted what can I say... it was all fun and all up until one night where we were on our way to a club and of course thats where all his business was... so he had a stash with him that night and as we were walking up to the club he ran into a friend of his... his friend was in his car and this was off of Santa Monica blvd one of those little dark streets... the guy was a friend of my boyfriend and knew he was holding... so he asked for a couple of pills and as my boyfriend pulled them out, out of nowhere cops suddenly pull out and of course that was the end for my boyfriend Pauls dealing... he was arrested on possession of illegal drugs but because it was his first offense and he had a clean record they let him off easy... but it was the end of his drug dealing... which was good... meanwhile our relationship became pretty cold... I remember one night we had gotten into a heated argument and he and I ended up in a physical fight and mind you this guy was a lot bigger then me, he was muscle... I was no where near the size I am today... I was 5'9 maybe 130lbs... so I remember him pinning me down on the floor and just going at my face... the minute I got up I attacked him, I remember picking up the phone and dialing 911 yup all crazy victim style and said my boyfriend was beating me up... lol... he of course pulled the cord out of the wall and eevvvveerybody knows thats a no no... if you call 911 and hang up the cops will be there as if a white lady is getting shot... lol... so of course within in minutes they where there... I ran over to the cops yelling, he's hitting me he's hitting me... and they took one look at him and me and they arrested him without ANY QUESTIONS... they saw his size and then they saw my size I'm sure they were like yeah bigger black man against little Mexican guy. So they arrested him on domestic violence... but that wasnt the last time... the last time was by far the craziest one... we had gone out to a club, yeah I know I know... worst place to go with your boyfriend when you are crazy.. lol... well of course he had said something that really bothered my insecure and temperamental ass... that next thing you know there we go leaving the club all pissed... i remember as he was driving down the freeway maybe like two exits before our exit I go off on him and from what he said was that he pulled off the freeway on the exit where there was a police station right off the exit was and to pull in to scare me and maybe calm my ass down... RIGHT... you dont do that to someone who's crazy... lol... well he thought it was gonna calm me down... WRONG!!! we pull up into the police station and he gets out of the car and what does my drunk ass do... I start hitting my own face... FOR REALS... my own face, I had a ring on that night that busted my face and broke skin... as I step out of the car in blood because of my bright ass a cop car was just pulling up into the station... so they step out and what do I do... start screaming "oh my face, oh ma face... he hit me" and again the take one look at him and then one look at me and right away go for him... yeah I know scandalous shit huh... the arrested his ass again for domestic violence... poor guy in those two years of that relationship he was arrested a total of three times... he was smart enough to get out of that relationship before it got worse... he ended it after that last incident... he feared for his life... he told me "if you can hurt yourself like that then there is nothing you CANT do to hurt anybody around you" and he was right... that relationship ended on his count... but I took my lesson learned... never did I lay my hands on another like that... I signed my ass into therapy and counseling... and never did it again... though I learned my lesson and grew up out of that phase I found myself single again and out living crazy but that didnt last long... I found myself meeting a guy who would change my life for ever...
I found myself in another relationship with a very beautiful guy named "Tony" slowly I grew to love the guy and he seemed to be thee one that seemed to make me very happy in every way. This guy was exactly what I had been looking for all them crazy years... This guy was my age good looking Asian/Mexican and we seemed to share lots in common... At the time things seemed to be going perfect for me... at this time around I was on top of my game, happy, cute boyfriend and I even became a certified mental health and drug counselor and through my past experiences I helped others in the drug abuse subject. Of course my drug abuse stopped and I became very happy with life that seemed to have a good sense of direction for me... months passed and things were getting better and better for between me and Tony... life was good. Well after 2 months had passed things were great for us... one night Tony and I were drinking and watching some movies at his house... well of course with alcohol involved one tends to get a little frisky when you're with your partner... well we ended up jumping into bed and their was a differnce this time around... I didnt notice a condom around... so I said to Tony ... "arent you going to put a condom on me" and he replied... "what dont you love me" and of course feeling secure in the relationship I trusted him and said "yeah" so we proceded to have unprotected sex that night... after that night, just like any other guy once it happens the first time it's okay to do it like that from that point on... and thats exactly what happened... we continued to have unprotected sex each time there after... after a while it seemed like the thing to do... no condom was ever seen again... it was our way of showing each others love to each other. Well the relationship went on and things went great. I fell more in love with Tony and vise versa. Seemed like nothing could stop us... we even started talking about moving in together to start a life together... everything was perfect (at least in my eyes)... 7 months passed and we seemed to be more in love as the months passed... as my usual routine I, without even thinking of telling Tony, I went to get tested... after working at the mental health clinic as a drug counselor, HIV awarness was also taught to me... so I had an HIV test... the same evening I went over to Tonys house and as we were laying on the bed watching TV I briefly mentioned not thinking it was a big deal... "Oh yeah I went to go get tested today" Tony replied... "tested, for what?"... "for my usual HIV test I get every 4 to 6 months" Tony replied kind of unsure about something... "oh, oohkay"... and that was that, that night. Well 2 days passed and I was at work when I received a phone call from Tony... "hey, I'm going to go get tested too" in such happiness that he was concerned of our well being I said... "good babe, that makes me feel even better to know you want the best for us"... I noticed the tone in the Tonys voice a little different but didnt think nothing of it... that same evening at his house I noticed him acting different, some what distant but again didnt make nothing of it. Well three days later I received another call at work from him that morning... "hey babe" said Tony... noticing his crackling voice I asked... "whats wrong papa" and Tony replies... "just got a call from my doctor and he wants to see me because of my test results" totally caught off guard I sat down and said "why whats wrong with your results" he replied... "he says that they came across traces of HIV but they need to make sure eveything is okay" in complete shock I froze but managed to collect myself and said "babe I'm sure eveything is gonna be okay... just go see what they have to say" So as I hung up the phone I sat in my office trying to make sense of it... I then said a little prayer and hoped for the best... at exactly 2:13pm that afternoon Tony called again... "is everything okay" I asked him... "ummmm are you sitting down" I replied... "Papa, is everything okay?" he replied... "ummmm not really" and briefly laughed in a sarcastic way. "what happened, what did the doctor tell you" I asked. "I cant believe this... but ummm... the doctor said they found HIV in my blood". Shocked and unable to believe what I was hearing I replied "so it is, did they run the test again" he replied "yes, the doctor told me it's HIV"... in shock I still managed to pull myself together to be his support... "look papa, everythings gonna be alright, I'mma go home right now and go be with you" Tony replied "no, it's okay stay at work we'll meet up after work" I just remember hanging up and bursting into tears... unable to stay at work I asked for the rest of the day off and head home... the minute I walked into my room I dropped to my knees and balled like a child with no one around to comfort me. Well that late afternoon I ended up at Tonys house... we tried to comfort each other but I noticed Tony distant and not too supportive... So we began to try to talk I quickly realized he's on his defense for some strange reason... I didnt understand why because I was sitting there trying to be there for him and be his support... so just remember grabbing him and holding him telling him it was gonna be okay and thats when Tony finally bursted into tears... we both held eath other and feel asleep that night... For the next couple of weeks Tony and I try to understand each other as I tried to be there for him emotionally but only found Tony pushing me away... I then had no choice but to end the relationship. Walking away not understanding why Tony pushed me away the whole time after finding out he was HIV positive. Devastated now wondering if I had been infected I got tested right after we broke up and having to wait 3 whole days which seemed endless... well with the grace of God my doctor tells me I was negative but because I had been exposed to it I would have to take another test in 3 months... so of course terrified having to wait 3 whole months... in these 3 months I time to myself and to refocus my life... knowing I had made some mistakes in life and having to face the fact that in 3 months I just might get the news that will completely change my life. Well 3 months passed and it was time to face my destiny... I went in with confidence and hoped that everything was gonna turn out fine... knowing I had done some refocusing and rethinking of how I lived my life... sure enough the test results came in and as I was sitting in that office with my doctor I looked him in the eyes the doctor looked at the results and said "dont worry you're fine"... in such joy and relief I couldn't help but to let out some tears of relief that everything was okay... from that day on I promised myself that I would never see life the same again... as for Tony I never heard from him again... but wished the best for him... though the worst of this story is the end... a twist... if you may... a year after all that happened I was out with some friends having a good time when I ran into a good friend Tony. Very pleased to see him we both hugged and started talking and catching up... after a few conversations the conversation turned into Tony... "have you heard anything from him?" I asked... the friend then looked at me with a look of disappointment... "Evan, you know I've always been there for you and him, you know I looked at you as a brother, and for that I feel the need to tell you something" so then I walked him off to a quiet corner and asked "whats up" in sheer shock, and in great disbelief to what the friend was unfolding... "Evan, he knew from the get go, he was already HIV positive when he met you but he fell in love with you that he didnt know how to tell you" getting so sick to my stomach to what I was hearing... I couldnt believe my ears... the friend claims that Tony had always told him that him and I always used condoms thats why the friend never told me... "If I would have known I would have told you" replied the friend... it was too much for me. That night I went home and cried to the disbelief of the news... it all made sense now, why Tony pushed me away... it all made complete sense to me... but in the same moment it hurt like hell... I thought I had found someone who truely loved me and who truely understood me when in the end it was the complete opposite... in pain and still in disbelief I never loved the same again... I never trusted guys the same again... and never did I live the same again... through this experience I was one of the lucky ones that God blessed, I never contracted the virus and got the chance to help others through this experience, I went on to become an advocate for HIV. I dedicated myself to getting the word out that it can happen to you... I became the face of millions... as much as this powerful chapter truly impacted my life I cant sit here and really say I never fell into that mistake again... but again it is a chapter further into this story...
Well after that experience I swore that I would never make that same mistake, but boy was I wrong... at the age of 29 I come across the man who truly and undoubtedly became the one who truly and has been thus far the man who literally made a different man out of me he really did... the most powerful story of my life... though its a brief due to legal issues its still one of my most powerful ones... met the most beautiful man I have ever come to know... beautiful physically wise... his personality was a different story... he moved here from New York and he and I hit it off really quick... we started a relationship pretty quickly and feel madly in love... he took my heart like no other man had ever done before... he quickly got me to that comfortable zone where of course I ended up doing what I promised myself I would never do from that last experience... which was to have unprotected sex... yes I know I know... but what can I say I am human and mistakes are done usually in twos... well next thing you know we carried a relationship on for about two months with out protection... I have to say this guy really took my heart with him because I truly fell in love with him... I can honestly say he's the only guy I started to really give myself completely to in every way... any time I would talk about him or even mention his name I couldn't help but to smile... thats how bad I had it. Well sure enough my slip up became the biggest lesson learned in my life this far. Two months passed and things became ugly and one thing led to another and next thing you know all that beautiful that I had fallen in love with was slowly fading away from my hands... he and I became our worst enemy and everything ended for us... so I thought... he dropped the same bomb on me that Tony had dropped on me... but this time it was a lot harder for me... it was a harder blow then the first, why... well because I had deeply fallen for him and had given myself to him more then I did with Tony... the life we had created with each other and the future we had seen together was gone all because of his little secret... his secret he kept from me and from the world... yes he too came out HIV positive and didnt tell me about it up until after the fact that we had been together for two months and having unprotected sex... though I was the top and have always been it was still a risk he had put me through and its what broke all that we had... all the memories and everything we had planned... I can honestly say he took my heart in every way... I can sit here and say I have fallen in love with other relationships but after this relationship I now know what true love really is... its what I had with him. The worst part of it was that he later confessed that he also had known for years before he was with me that he had been HIV positive... I think its what hurt the most... the difference between him and Tony was that with Tony it was the first time I had gone through something like that so it hit me hard and that was more of a fear for my own life a fear for my well being... this time it was just straight out a blow to my heart... I really didnt fear for my well being because deep down inside I already knew I hadnt contracted the virus and thats maybe because I had gone through it before... but more so a huge let down and a disappointment to my heart... worse then finding out your partner cheated on you, much worse... I gave him my soul, I gave him my heart, I gave him me... and to find out all of that meant nothing... to find out the person you gave your heart to could have put you at risk and to be so thoughtless and cold with you... I think that is why that hit me harder then the first time... I brought him into my life, my family accepted him into their home and worst, I brought him around my little one who loved him... some days we would be all together like a little family... him, myself and my little one... so yeah I think that is why it hit me harder. After he confessed to me I just could not trust him anymore and of course ended the relationship... it was the relationship that helped me create the Man I am now... bringing me to my last chapter... the new me... the very confident and very particular Man I am today...
Life has taken me through many crazy things... from the crazy molestations as a child to watching my parents fall apart in front of my eyes, to seeing my mother at her lowest and watching her pain become mine, to having faced the reality of my homosexuality and coming out, to the death of a beautiful girl who I considered a close friend of mine, to the crazy drug abuse and alcoholic addiction that lasted for over 7 years, to the realization of my personality disorder and hard temper that faced me with the battle against a violent man who became my worst enemy within, to the risky ways of a lifestyle painted with lust sex and money that only became an excuse to my fears, to close encounters of HIV along side the heart breaks and pains those journeys took me and to having experience the greatest thing of all... the blessing to continue it all... my life may have been a crazy journey and through all these experiences I have encountered I have molded myself into the Man that I am today... these are the footsteps I have made for myself in the road that remains behind me, through the endless mistakes and errors I have committed though through my struggles and pains I have gone through they are all something I would never change for the world... they are my mistakes that have only aided me in creating who and what I am today... as a very confident and secure man who isnt afraid to share his most personal stories about his past with the world... my life is nothing I am ashamed of and though some of the things I have done in the past are not my pride and joy they are elements that have helped me be the individual Man I am today so if thats what I had to go through to get to where I am today then yes it is something I am glad I went through... it created the knowledge and experience in me that has helped many that have gone through or are going through the same... it has become a character of mine to help others... along side who I have become... like the heading says... I am... Evan...
So when people ask me today why are you single you probably have lots of opportunity... well to me life has given me some experiences that I have come to be a very particular kinda guy who has high expectations, not only in relationships but in life generally... and some may not agree with me but I think one needs to be particular and have high expectations in life to end up with something they deserve... because if you don't you'll just end up settling for less. Some people are happy that way but not me... I am a man who has lots of value, intelligence, love and passion for life and please don't read that wrong... many people seem to have the image of me being vain and full of myself... never that, I am as humble and as real as one can be... I just have my values in the right place... that is all. I am a very confident individual who has been through a lot and has endured a lot, because of what I have been through I have become a Man whos not afraid to put myself in the open to help others learn from my mistakes and experiences and I think that is one of the reasons why I have become who I am on Myspace, through my writings I have come to be the one many of you know as "Daddy" but for those who have noticed beyond Daddy... there has always been "Evan" a Man who can accept his faults and can own up to his fuck ups... because I know I have had my share of hurting others and doing them wrong... I know this but I also know that through those fuck ups I have learned and have become who I am today... a Man with a big heart and a passion for life... a Man who has come a long way from what I was when I was 19, 22, 25 and even 29... I know that one never stops growing, I know that life doesn't end until you take your last breath and I also know that we all are human and humans have been designed to commit errors, mistakes and sin... but what life is about is about applying yourself to your own life and doing your best live it at your best.
So before I end this blog, just want to add one last thing... I know it is human nature to judge one another but in the end its really our own lives that will be the ones that will be judged by the one that truly matters in this universe. I myself are at peace with the existence of my life and all its colors of the past... know that the past you create doesnt make the person who you will be in the future, because only you have the power to design a better future from the mistakes of your past which you create in your present... life will never ever in your wildest dreams be exactly what you expect so you thrive to make it your best each and everyday of your life... learn to accept any and everything that comes your way in the path of your journey because I have come to a point in my life that I accept anything that happens to me good or bad and accept it as something that was suppose to happen to me... I dont dwell over it I embrace it and find a way to pull through it in a focused and positive level knowing there will ALWAYS be tomorrow. I can sit here and tell ya that I have been through some shit that I know would have definitely broken some people but not me... the shit I have endured has made me the strong man and centered soul that I stand before you as... and I can say that life will continue equally for anybody... its the weak ones that life will leave behind... so with that trust me when I say "Life waits for nobody"... embrace the colors of life and learn to paint with them... never regret anything in the history of your past and live life at any risk... never be afraid to live out loud as you please... its nobodies life but yours.
Further beyond all of this... I have discovered the true meaning of my life which is my own true happiness and to help others see what they cannot which is identified personal joy... know that there is a story behind every person... this is mine...
Always remember the biggest achievement any human can endure in life is to love oneself, love others and of course love God...
