From the writings of the life of Evan Hernandez: This story took place back in 2008
Too long have I kept the true story of a relationship that took me through the biggest turning point in my life, too long have I kept my silence until now. I recently came across an article on a “talent agency” website that an X of mine gave his side of the story which was half true in regards to me and what really went down in our relationship… of course he’s going to try to make me out to be the bad guy it’s only logical to do that… so for that, I just wanted to write my side of the story… the true story if you will… no holds bar, no secrets, and definitely no altered and embellished bits and parts to the relationship. The following you are about to read is heads on open about my experience that I lived and the true and unedited version of that relationship and all the events that took place in that period... this is a true love story and no names are mentioned though with this story I continue to hope to help others in similar situations… this is “My Broken Silence” Warning: the following story contains some graphic material.
It was off of Myspace we came across one another back in 2005… of course an attraction to each other at first it was and simple comments on each others page here and there… we would briefly see each other on myspace here and there and it was like that for a couple of years… we’d loose contact then run into each other once again… he was as I was very popular on Myspace, we were the “Sex Sirens” of the East and West coast as he liked to put it. Well time passed and through out the years we kept in touch and of course did the whole chatting online and sending photos to each other… yeah all kinds of photos… it was an online connection what can I say. We finally exchanged numbers and began to chat and that was around October 2007 if I remember correctly. First time I ever heard his voice was all kinda weird because he didn’t match his voice… online this mothaphuker was pretty much as I was, all exposed and really out there but then on the phone he was very timid and quiet… so it was after our first phone conversation that he told me that he was a shy guy for being 30 something… but I thought it was kinda cute though… lol…
Well we chatted for a couple of weeks until we lost contact again… though like always, we ran into each other again around the end of 2007 and he had told me that he was moving to Los Angeles from New York pretty soon so I told him to keep in touch so that we could just maybe possibly meet up never thinking that I would really meet him one day. So of course we lost contact again after that and again ran into him around the end of June of 2008 and that’s when he had informed me that he had actually made it out to Los Angeles… so we were like yeah we should defintley meet up yadda yadda yadda you know how that goes… so around the 4th of July a big event came round at a local club (Circus) and I thought of him so I went looking for him and found him and invited him out on a “date” I guess that’s what you would call it… lol… and he accepted… so there went the first date… I picked him up and I have to admit and this is in my honest true writings and how it really happened… I never expected him to see me as relationship material… if anything I only expected maybe sex out of it maybe a friendship you know a koo homie and nothing more…
Well I showed up at his Hollywood apartment that he had just moved into, as he walked out to my car dressed in a fitted blue button up shirt with ripped jean shorts and his biker wallet chain I will be man enough to admit I found the bastard drop dead gorgeous and even much better looking in person then in pictures… I aint afraid to admit as I said this is my true and honest story. He got into my car and trying to play off my nerves and be cool like I know how and put my “I’m good and relaxed” face which I did really good, but it was kinda hard when you have a man smelling all good with the cologne “Curve” which was his favorite lol… though he seemed to be nervous a bit… “so we finally meet” and it was a bit nerve wrecking for the first couple of minutes of the ride to the club but we got real comfortable with each other and started talking… so by the time we had reached the club we were all good as if we had been hanging out for a long time… his shy side faded out and he was a chatter box as I was too, we end up having a good time and we even went as far as making it look like we were together holding hands and just hanging out with each other, met up with one of his friends there who hung out with us for a sec. I have to admit that was one of the best times I have had at that club… he showed me something I swear I wasn’t expecting from him at all… he showed me a side of him that grabbed my attention real quick and even intrigued me to want to get to know him more on a serious level and I swear I wasn’t looking for that with him but he eventually won me over with his personality. He showed me a very sensitive and loving Man which I never thought he had…
Well the night was over and I drove him home and dropped him off… no kiss no nothing but a simple goodnight and thank you for inviting me I had a good time… we quickly planned for the following day to hang out together again and of course we did… ended up going out to another club the following night called Cobra. Had another good time that night… as intoxicated as I was that night I clearly remember something he told me… I said “I see you looking at them guys” which I said only in a playing manner… and he responded “well I’m waiting for you” and after that is when we became more involved with each other and that’s when I knew he was going to be more then just friends… he continued to surprise me with his personality and he continued to win me over… well another night ended but there was something different about this night then the first one… this time he invited me up to his apartment and I already knew what that meant… so we ended up walking up to his place, he opened the door and clean as a whistle it was, not one piece of furniture in the place but it sure smelled good like vanilla or something… lol… oh yeah I have a clear memory of it… that’s how this story affected me lol… I walked over to his window that had a low pane so I sat down on the edge and looked out up to the night sky filled with big beautiful stars it sure was a beautiful warm summer night. From what he told me was at that moment is when he fell for me, sitting at the window… and that’s where we had our first kiss… he later told me at that point he knew I was different and so did I. Next thing you know we were both butt naked on his living room floor and ready to make love… of course he pulled out a condom and we went for it… in some way I couldn’t believe it was happening so I enjoyed it for the 10 minutes that it lasted… no not because I was done in 10 minutes but because of the alcohol was fucking with me that I will admit my little friend started getting soft… so next thing you know I pulled out and started masturbating so of course he thought it was him and I assured him it was me… I’m not gonna blame it on the alcohol because Im a grown ass man but I know it was because I was really intoxicated and ya know your judgment becomes impaired, but next thing you know I put ma little friend back in him with out the condom, yeah I know I know big mistake don’t act like ya NEVER did it in yo life, well of course my little friend was back in action and damn was he too… lol… right before finishing he says “pull out before you finish” which I thought was weird… okay fine that’s his personal choice lol… so I did and man what an amazing night that was.
Well I ended up leaving around 5 or 6 in the morning and remember seeing the damn sun coming out when I had left his apartment… I left with mixed emotions… he had showed me a good time in the past two days but then we had sex on the first day… I’m a top so I can go with the flow and all tops can agree with me… if you wanna get down fuck it, if you want something serious then I can do that too… he gave me both… so like I said I left with mixed emotions not sure if he wanted just sex or a relationship… so I told myself I’m going to see where this goes… well got home and knocked out and when I woke up I had woke up to one missed call from him and a text saying “wake up sleey ass” I know because I still have that text… and no I’m not crazy… lol… so next thing you know we go and make plans for that third day as well and to be honest with you I don’t remember where exactly we went but I know we went out again to a club because I remember spending over $400 just on that weekend with him… because I remember treating him to drinks and all you know that whole Im a gentleman so I pay for everything which didn’t bother me because he was seriously grabbing my attention and more, my interest. Well that weekend past and we became more interested in one another and I can say on both sides because he sure showed much interest in me… and quickly we both became really interested in a relationship and I do say “very quickly” we talked throughout that whole week and the word “Papa” was used very freely and next thing you know “babe and baby” came into play so that’s when I knew this guy wanted more then sex which was koo because like I said he sure grabbed my interest by his personality really quick. Only thing that held me back was that he was a very masculine looking guy… 5’10 170lbs around there and that has never been my type to be in a relationship I’ve always eye balled the smaller and no so masculine guys (just my preference)… but all in all it was his personality that really captured my interest and so I went with that.
Well a couple of weeks went by and we became more involved with each other… we did the whole “myspace thing” our pages changed, risky and exposed pictures came down, status quickly changed to “in a relationship” and one point we even put “married” yeah we both did the pathetic thing two love birds do… but I’ll admit it I loved every minute of it… I truly did. We continued to go out places and I remember this one place we ended up going to called the “self realization temple” a very nice mediation temple over in Santa Monica, we hung out and talked and even took our first set of real pictures lol… very cute.. we got to know each other more and more and like I said the more I got to know him the more I was falling for him and he as well and I will admit the unprotected sex continued which is the biggest mistake guys do now a days when they get involved with someone not thinking of the consequences… yeah I got real comfortable with him, what can I say it was like a true love story or more like a fairy tale, like I had finally found my one and only that I had been looking for my whole life and again it was so unreal to me because of his physical I was never attracted to the more masculine type… but what I guess made me see far beyond that was that his inside was nothing like his outside, he was the biggest sweet heart, the warmest guy I had ever met. Well sure enough we became exclusive to one another and man I will say this and I’m not afraid to say it… he was by far the one and only guy that ever made me smile everytime I would talk about him… everytime I mentioned his name to someone. He sure made me see that love is such a fucken beautiful thing… I will say love because in the end that’s what I ended up with… LOVE…
Well after getting comfortable with him and being in that relationship for a couple of weeks yeah I gotta say I started fucking shit up… I started showing my jealous side and for some reason I showed it more with him and I think that is because of him being the more masculine “looking” guy… I felt I needed to put his ass in check more you know to maintain my macho I’m the king kinda thing over him… yeah I know as fucked up as that sounds, I will be a man about it and admit it… I started to fuck things up… I became his owner more then his partner/husband. I mean don’t get me wrong we had some really good times, some really sweet times but I just couldn’t get over the fact that he was more masculine “looking” then me… and that was one of many lessons learned in that relationship… I became really unfair to him and became real possessive over him… I felt that the love I was really feeling was going to be taken away from me by him… that he was going to do something really bad or cheat or some bullshit… so I felt the need to control him… I tried and tried to overcome my jealousy and tempers with him but I just couldn’t and through it all he remained very calm and very caring and catering to me like a good boyfriend does… and as weird as that is that made me fall for him even more… to know that even though I became possessive and controlling with him he still stood by my side as a good and loving partner. I became jealous of his past… no not his x’s but of what he was back then. Things would get better between him and I but it would always go back to the same thing… me blowing up in my tempers or getting jealous of some bullshit or trying to control him yeah I gotta admit he brought up some of my insecurities I had within myself… but that’s another lesson I took with me from this… a very big lesson… things became so bad at like a month of being together that one night we went out and of course drank and it seemed that when ever I would drink I would get worse… so we went to some club and things got crazy because he thought I was trying to flirt wit some guy and next thing you know he would do what he loved to do, which was walk away from me in public and leave. I never ran after him like I never did after NO MAN! Just the macho in me… lol… well that night things got heated that I ended up leaving his ass and drove home not sure which of the many times it was that I did that but I guess that last time it was too much for him that he ended up ending the relationship because he said that I was changing him and I will admit he did change because of me… he did go above and beyond to please me and he sure did try to make things work. So we both walked away with a bitter taste in our mouths… and it was the end of a relationship that I sure thought was going to be forever… but guess not…
Well a couple of days maybe a week after we broke it off he ended up textin me saying “I know you don’t want to hear from me but just wanted to say that I wanted to talk to you” and of course with anger still inside of me I was so upset and angry that he let me go that I simply replied back “What the fuck could you possible have to say to me, leave me the fuck alone” deep down inside I didn’t want to let it go but I was letting my anger control my feelings so I was willing to let him go for good because of my pride… he then turned around and texted me the beginning of the crazy part of the story… he replied back with “Well I was going to tell you but since you want to be a jerk I’ll let you find out on your own” and of course that would raise eyebrows with anybody… of course I replied back… “what the fuck do you mean” and I even think I threw in there the bitch word or something… he was really pissing me off with all that bullshit… and he replies back with the most shocking reply… “I just found out that Im HIV+ thanx for everything DADDY” oooooh man did my blood boil… I was like ooohhhhh hells na… so all I remember telling myself “fuck calling his ass” so I jumped out of my desk at work and gave some bullshit emergency excuse at my job to be able to leave and so I jumped in my car and hit 100 mph over to his job, yeah I got ghetto wit it… lmao… but na you don’t fuck around wit me like that… all I remember thinking on the way there was that I don’t care how bigger this bitch is I’m beating his ass for this… so I got to his job and with my heart pumpin like crazy and all in my throat I pulled open the door to his job and walked in and mind you this was a shelter home for the homeless and for the gay youth… I remember asking one of his co-workers if he was there and she quickly noticed the red in my eyes she knew I was pissed… so she went and called him quickly… the minute he came down I went ghetto… “WHA THE FUCK U MEAN WITH ALL THAT BULLSHIT YO ASS BETTER EXPLAIN RIGHT NOW” all in front of his co-workers and some clients… I even remember the rent a cop security slowly approaching and me even saying then “NA DON’T TRIP YA DON’T NEED NO MOTHAPHUKEN SECUUURITY” and all I remember is him telling me “I’m not going to talk to you in this way when you’re pissed” I assured him that I wasn’t going to hurt him that all I wanted to do was talk but of course who would believe that line when Im blowing smoke our my ears and with bright red eyes… lol… he kept saying “I’m not going to talk to you like this” and at that point I blew up and said “WHAT THE FUCK U MEAN, HOW U GONNA TELL ME SOME SHIT LIKE THAT AND EXPECT ME TO BE CALM”… so finally he calmed me down and I was like aiiiight lets go talk Im good Im good… can we talk, I’m not gonna put my hands on you… so finally he agreed to step outside and talk… on the way out he turned to the little black woman security and said keep an eye out please… lol… I WAS PISSED…
Well we stepped outside and all hell broke loose… no, I didn’t hit him but we started yelling and arguing, man I didn’t give a fuck if I got arrested just crazy like that… especially when you tell me some bullshit like that… you know… first thing that comes out of his mouth is “I just found out okay” so Im like WHAT!... you just found out? so it just didn’t make sense but I have always always always been a man to give the benefit of a doubt… so I told his ass if you are telling me the truth and you infact did just find out we will work through this, I will still be here for you but you better tell me the fucken truth and he stuck with that story that he had just found out so I asked him if he could take the rest of the day off and we could go back to his apartment and talk… he kept hesitant because of my condition that he thought I was gonna kill him or some shit… little did I know there was a reason for that… he even did the whole crying and totally fake you know when someone gives them fake ass dramatics… well that’s what he did but I still took his story because that’s just what Im about when it comes to things like this… well he finally gave in and asked his supervisor for the remainder of the day off… we got in my car and on the way there he tells me that nobody ever knew about his little secret… not even his family so he said… on the way there he made a phony phone call to his sister and asked for his mom to supposedly tell her… she wasn’t around but the sister heard it in his voice and asked whats wrong… he replied “nothing just tell mom when she gets home that I need to talk to her” and hung up. Well we get to his apartment and we both sit down in his living room floor and start talking… again though this time in tears I tell him “if what you are telling me is true, if honest to God that you just found out then I will be here for you… if you truly love me you will tell me the truth” he’s sitting on the floor and Im squatted down on my knees in front of him and he suddenly puts his head down, with that my heart dropped.. I knew he was lying… he takes a deep breath and tells me “you’re going to hate me for this, and if you choose to walk out I will understand” I look at him and expect the worst words to come out of his mouth. “I already knew I was HIV+ for a couple of months now” I stayed as calm and collect as possible because I had been through this so I think that’s why it didn’t hit me as hard like the first time. All I remember is putting my head down and crying… he kept saying I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry… so I looked up at him and told him… you better tell me the fucken truth if all this time we’ve been together all the moments we spent meant anything to you and you truly love me you will tell me the honest to God truth… how long have you known? He once again took a deep sigh and with that I knew it was another blow… “Okay the truth… for four years now” it was like hearing a bomb drop in the background… that’s when I bursted into tears… I just became human and couldn’t stay collect anymore and busted into tears… he tried holding me and I just didn’t want him to touch me… until I needed a hug I needed him even though he had just revealed something so intense for some reason I just needed him to hold me because I felt he was all I had at the moment so finally he held me and IIIIIIIIII BROOOOKE DOOOOOWN!... with every “sorry” one could ever use he sure used them all… it was the turning point not only in that relationship but in my life…
I ended up forgiving him and not only that but we stayed together… I have to admit I felt scared and because of the unprotected sex, although I was the top it crossed my mind what if he infected me, I wont know how to deal with it on my own… I don’t want to be alone… and again like I said I had been through this and I did the same thing with the other one, I stayed with him for as long as I could but in the first incident he changed with me… with this one things just got bad on both sides. Later he also confessed that his family already knew yeah it was pretty crazy… well not wanting to be alone I ended up moving from my familys home in with him after a month and like a couple of weeks… we moved in and promised to make things work… the beginning was kinda hard for me because I was still accepting the fact that he had kept this from me and not only that but that we would have unprotected sex… there were days I was okay but then there were days I would go back to that day he confessed to me and it would start upsetting me… my anger grew with time and I ended up facing a very big thing I never thought I would when I moved in with him… I thought things would have gotten better but things got worse… I didn’t trust him even more, I kept telling myself if he could keep that from me then theres pretty much anything he can keep from me… I looked at him in such anger and didn’t trust him for shit… I was already a insecure guy before all that went down so with what he confessed only made things worse and I mean worse… it got to a point where I even wanted him to quit his passion which was doing make up… and he kinda did but it didn’t stop there… I didn’t want him doing other things… the gym, his normal job, wearing certain clothing yeah pretty bad… I have to say it was based on my insecurities I already had but honest to God my his confession really really triggered my insecurities even more… honestly at times I would look at him in disgust but it was the what if’s that kept me there… that relationship went sour the more time passed… I couldn’t work, I couldn’t go to the gym it controlled me so bad that I even lost contact with my family and friends… I was no where near happy because of all of it… and again we did have our moments we did have little breaks of all the madness and it was nice… when I moved in we furnished the apartment, we had a nice bed, nice television, a beautiful sofa, we got a dinning room set very nice… we tried to make it our home… but it would always end up in drama… we even got to the point of arguing loud at night for some bullshit… and yeah we did the whole drama thing you know that us black and latino couples do in the white mans apartment… I threatened to leave, then it would turn around and he would kick me out because technically it was his apartment… it just got ugly…
Well a whole month passed and by the end of that month it just got so dramatic to me that I became numb to the relationship and to him… I stopped with the whole drama and I stopped with the insecurities… I just stopped all my acting up from one day to the next… it even caught him off guard… honestly, I had let him go inside... I let go and I simply fell out of love and he noticed it… so when he noticed it oh man did the tables turn… he became the dramatic one and became the hostel one… he then advised for us to seek professional help and I agreed to go with it… we went and really got nothing out of it… we tried to practice the happy home method that the counselor suggested but that only lasted a couple of days… next thing you know he was back at it and blowing up and throwing fits playing the role I was previously… and again I found myself stuck and no where to go… it got so bad that I even lost a couple of pounds and people even started telling me I looked thinner and miserable… but nobody knew what was really going on… and it all went on for about two weeks or so… he was the one that would start with all the 21 questions “where are u, who are you with, why were you late from work, where are you going” I was feeling what he felt in the beginning of the relationship and from what he told me was because I stopped trippin that he thought I was fucking someone else or doing something behind his back, little did he know I had just fallen out of it and became numb to him… and I am not going to sit here and put myself up for the victim… I know where I fucked up and I’m speaking from my point of view… in this story I think I’ve made it very clear in how it all went down…
Well things continued down the crazy path to the last fight… at one point I ended up looking to get out so bad that I booked a storage to put my shit in and finally told my moms bout it and of course being a mother she immediately told me to come home… so I ended up planning my escape and that’s how it felt… I did it all behind his back… even got a friend of mine involved who helped me pack up and move out before he got home… I went and rented a uhaul and picked up my friend grabbed one of them day workers and off I was to get my shit… took the day off from work but made it seem like everything was good to him and made it look like I went to work you know grabbed my badge and took off that morning… well once me my friend and the day worker got to the apartment we started packing my shit up and during this time I texted him to make it seem like oh yeah by the way kinda thing… well he ended up textin me back saying okay well im going home from work early too I cant be here today… so I was like damn… so we tried to rush things to get most of my things out before he got home… in which we did… he showed up and he was really stand off ish… but keep in mind to him he thought we agreed that I was going to move back to my moms but continue the relationship that we agreed it would be healthier for the both of us not to live together… but my intentions was to leave the whole relationship because I was done and I have finally accepted that I would be able to be with him for the insecurities we both had and for what he kept from me… I just couldn’t let that go… so finally that last day I packed up my shit and the minute I grabbed the last of my things I walked back up the apartment and gave him his keys and finally told him what my true intentions were… without a fight or argument we both agreed that it was better for us to go our own way so I left on good terms so I thought… for the next couple of days for some reason we exchanged ugly emails talking our shit on each other… according to him he moved out and left Los Angeles back to New York (supposedly him)… but to me it was over and done and that’s what mattered to me… I was out of that night mare and Im sure he was fine with it as well…
I befriended a guy who was a myspace friend with him at first but once everything ended this guy opened his arms to me and we became really good friends, al though he was miles away in Chicago Illinois it felt he was a close friend living near by… this was the ONLY guy I told what had really happened… he knew the whole story… and he heard me cry he heard my pain and my fears and much more then that my anger because I became really angry with my former partner… I became angry with him because I felt he had taken a happiness I had never felt in my life… a happiness I felt at the beginning of that relationship… a happiness that truly turned into a deep and unique love… I was faced with the fact that I had fallen in love with him… for the person that he was… nobody has made me smile, laugh and feel the way he did… he had it all… he was very sweet, very catering, very affectionate and those who know me know I love a man who is affectionate… he was very funny and such a big silly kid which I loved about him… he made me really laugh to the point where I had tears in my eyes and my stomach hurting, he touched me so passionately, he showed me a man that I had never experienced before, the moments where we shared each others bodies was unexplainable to this day… what he made me feel when we made love was more then sex, it was his soul he gave to me and I gave him mine… but as good as that sounds all that was taken away and erased for me after he confessed his secret… I just couldn’t see far past that secret… I just couldn’t see how someone could keep something like that from you and even when you are having unprotected sex you would think that if someone wouldn’t want to disclose that personal information about yourself you would just keep a condom on right… he told me one time that he just thought that I was one of those guys that love to do it bareback so that’s why he didn’t mind… I thought that was fucked up… Imma be a man and own up to my mistake and I cant blame him for it all… Im a grown man and I should have known better but from that I truly have learned…
The friend from Chicago also helped me get over the anger and helped me forgive myself and my x for what he had kept from me… I finally had the courage to be at peace with the whole situation and that whole relationship… I was so at peace with it that all the damn messages I would get from other people about him didn’t even phase me… I guess he ended up becoming an angry person that a couple of people ended up telling me that he was going around telling others that I was the one that was HIV +… in shock to know that he would stoop that low in telling people that I was the one who had HIV… it seems so shocking but because I was at peace with it all it didn’t phase me… I let him continue to tell others… it even got to a point that I started talking to some guy that he knew and once I mentioned his name this guy went and asked him and of course he told the guy I was talking to that I was HIV +… it was just crazy… nothing really phased me from this whole break up well at least him becoming bitter and angry and spreading rumors about me… that didn’t phase me one bit… it was him being angry… just like I was in the beginning of the break up… Well not too long ago I came across an bio on him on a talent agency and that’s when I decided to speak my silence about the whole thing… of course in this bio there was a lot that wasn’t mentioned which I think I just covered the whole damn story… lol... and again this is my story this is what I lived… this was me…
In the end got tested and by the grace of God once again I was fine and didnt contract anything... but I know we both took a valuable lesson with each of us… I learned that nobody but nobody will care about you but you… and that you just cant trust anybody that is why one should always… always love one self enough to wear a condom EVERYTIME! I also learned that I cant treat people like shit and feel like I can control them… I learned if you fall in love with someone you accept them for who they are not for what you want them to be… straight up… and I know he took something very valuable with him too… I know he learned to be true to himself and be open about his status… which I am happy for him… Im sure he’s at peace with it now as he should be… I wish him nothing but good in his life… all in all and this is for the record… he really was the best thing that happened to me, he gave me what no one else ever gave me… I truly thought he was going to be with me for the rest of my life… and aside everything that went down the secret, the fighting the disrespects, the name calling the bullshit… I will take him with me where ever I go… he was the man who showed me how to truly love… and for that I say this is my true story… this is my broken silence…
