Well the date is Sunday August 21st and I find myself 3 days away from my release from this house arrest that I've been on for almost 80 days now, and man I have to say that this definitely has been the most emotional and the best thing that has ever happened to me this far in my 32 years of living. Yes I have to say the worst part of all this was being locked up in county and fearing the worst as I layed their in that hard cold bunk hearing the voice and cries of my monkey, that was by far the worst part of this whole experience shit its what put my ass in the emergency room there in county because my ass went into an anxiety attack with all them crazy insane thoughts running through my head... honestly dont know who designed that system but they sure designed it well, to break down the mind in a very severe psychological way... SERIOUSLY. You know I came across hundreds of stories that people sent me after them reading my first blog "Faith Beyond My Innocence" and they would tell me that they had gone through the same thing but they didnt get as far as county and I would just sit there and tell myself, you had a Hilton compared to what I went through... and no it WAS NOT the same... TRUST ME! its a totally different atmosphere/environment that is on a whole different psychological level. Best Believe That!
So I have to say that was the worst seriously was, I consider myself a strong and mentally centered Man who can focus his sanity in the right place, but in that place sanity runs thin beyond ANY control... not only because I was locked up in a regular cell but I was locked up in Solitary Confinement due to the degree of the charges I was facing... and for those that dont know the difference between a regular cell and Solitary Confinement let me elaborate on the differences, a regular cell is about 10 feet long and 6 feet wide, Solitary Confinement is HALF OF THAT... maybe 7 feet long and maaaaaybe 4 feet wide with a tiny little slit of a window to see NOTHING... now imagine being held in that tiny little room for a WHOLE 7 days straight, no shower, no exposure to anybody NOTHING. Just a nasty nasty nasty horrible place oh yeah and dont forget the smell of urine... honestly seriously thinking of writing to Mr. Obama on that because I honestly dont think its sanitary enough... not to be graphic but I held my mothaphuken shit for those 7 days because I was NOT going to sit my ass on that nasty ass toilet that had the worst scum inside, bad simply bad... I mean I understand the design of it, to psychologically break one down but dang un-sanitary is simply un-human for real... The only time that door opened was when they would come and give me food, not only that but they would have me stay seated on my bunk as they would "throw" the food at me, NO JOKE!!! of course it was a little plastic bag that either had a fucken peanut butter sandwich, apple, juice or burrito... so now ya know why a peanut butter sandwich, apples or wrapped up burritos are NOT my thing anymore lol... simply inhuman.
Like in my favorite song that has helped me sooooooo much "Living Proof" by Mary J. Blige, the worst is over, and to me that was the worst and yes even though it was the worst and it was all behind me I faced such an emotional journey of tears, pain, hurt, anger, and worry after the fact. To this day I am eternally grateful for my roommate who has been the joy in my life yet the stress too... I am grateful because he was the one that was there through this whole ordeal and if it wasnt for him I dont think I would have got out of county and on house arrest, he's the one that pushed for them to get me house arrest and they obviously approved it so for that I am in his debt... but what made things a little complicated is that he's also an X of mine who still has strong feelings for me, even though our relationship has ended over 7 years ago he still had strong feelings and has always... and like I said its what made things complicated here in this living situation. I remember it was like the 3rd or 4th night after my release from county that I had been sleeping in the same bed with him (not sexually) but because I didnt want to be alone or scared to wake up out of a bad nightmare alone either, but that night I decided to stay out in the living room, of course it was the first night sleeping alone and first night drinking. Now I know those two are NOT a good combination but I honestly didnt expect me to feel that way, it had been a couple of days and I thought I was fine, I had not cried for nothing other then when I first came out of the court and was released and saw my family and of course my monkey was when I let it out but after that I didnt cry for nothing and its why I think I "thought" I was fine.
Of course I was DEAD wrong... psychologically I was repressing strong and I mean STRONG feelings and they were subconsciously pushed to a little tiny spot in my mind that I like to call "Pandoras Box" which if ya know psychology, its a subconscious space in your mind that sometimes the strongest minded people store feelings they wish NOT to expose or deal with, its a space where we put them feelings and lock them away, BUT what we sometimes DONT understand is that they are very very very VALID feelings and if repressed long enough at any weak moment those feelings will break out of that "space" and come out 10x worse they what they were, and thats exactly what I experienced that 4th night in the living room all by myself at night, my roommate had gone to bed and it was around 11:30pm and I sat there staring at the television as it hit me like a HUGE emotional train, I went back to that day and relived it all... from the arrest at my job, to the vicious interrogation, to the ride down to LA county jail, to the offensive classification process of being called "FAGGOT" by the PUSSYass Sheriffs department, to the crazy voices I began to hear in my own head and of course the cries of my monkey and to the emotional release and being reunited with my family. It all hit me at one time and I couldnt help but to fall into my hands and curl up over my knees and start balling in such an emotional silent cry like I have never cried before... it was a silent cry because I didnt want to wake my roommate but inside I was crying like a 5 year old and hurting as if I had never hurt before, this was like having my heart broken x10.. sucha powerful emotional cry I felt as I curled up on the floor my face on my knees, in that moment I felt SOOOOOO alone, like I had NOBODY to tell me everything was going to be okay, simply horrible feeling... in that very moment I was for the first time in my life... ALONE...
Little did I know it was only the beginning, after that night I began to see the beautiful and amazing support from my family, I mean like any other family we have always had our issues but we have always had the love to bond us... but I have to say through this experience I saw a side of my family that I had NEVER seen before, they shinned through like gold... I have always had a really close bond with my mother but through this experience this woman has made me see her in sucha a grand light... because of the house arrest I had to end up paying all sorts of money for the stupid program and I have been advised not to go public about how much I paid dont know why but I was told I couldnt say that... but I'll tell ya, it was an arm and a leg and because of that I struggled and struggled and struggled with money, was at the verge of loosing my beautiful MARILYN and all my bills became too much. This amazing woman who honestly cant really work a full time job because she's advanced in age said this "Mijo, if I have to, I will return to work to help you get through this and I dont care if my body cant support the pain I will go back to work for you" in that moment that woman showed me that I meant more to her then her own health, not only that but my brother ensured her that if I needed any financial support he would help me out and not to worry about a thing. My little sister along side with my father, mind you this is the father that once didnt want nothing to do with my homosexuallity stood up and said "Mijo, we are here for you".
It was the most amazing thing in my life to see the love and support of my family shine through my darkest hour... the most trying time of my life and the heaviest moment I had ever been in... its when I needed them the most and its when they showed me the most. I am deeply grateful for the love of my family and knowing that when situation rises and in the moment I can say "I need you" and they will be there... we may not have the best communciation at times but now I know that they will put EVERYTHING aside in my moment of need, regardless of anything... so for that I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU and so blessed to know that I have all of you in my world... from the beautiful most loving woman of my mother who I have always had in my corner, from when I was a baby who she spoiled like crazy to the becoming of a Man and treating him like the Man he is today... to my beautiful and crazy little sister who has a lot of similarities like me of being a wild child and living in the moment who I owe a lot of my laughter to because she's the one that has always made my ass laugh, to my tough and thick skin brother who's always fought to be the man of the family after my parents divorce and as stubborn as that mothaphuker is I have mad love and the upmost respect for him for what he showed me and for being that big brother I have always admired and loved with all my heart... to the loving man deep down inside I know he is but from a distance and the most Mexican man I know in my life of the biggest ego and pride who once didnt accept me for me who I now love with all my heart and thankful to have even though he's a stubborn man he will always hold the title "father" and of course with out my little star, my life, my breath, my sunshine and moon, my everything... with out you I would be nothing... without your existance my life would mean nothing, you were and have always been my motive in life, my strength and my joy... my monkey, he's the reason why I DIDNT give up... sucha a huge bond and power behind that little face... love you monkey...
That had to be the best part of this all... to have gotten the chance to have my family truly shine through for me, words simply aren't enough to describe that feeling... it sure was a true blessing... that was just the emotional part I had bonding with my family but the picture didn't stay painted pretty for long... the emotional crap began with the struggle to fight keep my job, my car, and my sanity... even though I had the love and support from my family I was dealing with other stuff beyond that... due to the amount of police cars showing up at my job which I think were 10 or 12, Human Resources were strongly refusing my return to work, they never found out the real reason why I was arrested but the one who fought for me was my supervisor which I owe him so much, he's the only one that I told because I trusted him and him and I have had personal talks in the past and he's told met hat he see's that I have always been a good worker and on a personal level he would tell me that he could see the maturity level and that is why it was easy for him to tell me certain things professionally and personally and I felt I had to be honest with him so that he could understand my story more and help me more, which he did, this man went beyond Human Resources and went straight to the VP of the company to get my approval to come back to work, he believed in me and knew that I was a valuable employee and he mad the VP see that... sure enough he got me my job back. I think what made that part so frustrating and emotional for me was that if I would have lost my job their was no way in hell I would have been able to pay for the house arrest program and I would have had to go back to county, I wasn't going to have my brother or my mother struggle to pay it for me, it was my problem as a grown Man and it was my responsibility as well... thank God I got my job back.
Well after struggle with every freakin penny I had and money always being an issue things began to go south between me and my roommate, and I think it became more emotional because nights and weekends I was stuck, literally stuck at home under house arrest and didnt have the liberty to walk out... but see me and him have ALWAYS had that issue even when we were together, when it got into heated conversations about anything he wouldnt listen to me and I wouldnt listen to him... and all that was said was noise... it became sooooo frustrating to be here and more, because I had no where to go but the damn bathroom... lol... I remember having a moment in the bathroom to myself just so emotionally frustrated that I just wanted to get up and RUN OUT and seriously thought of that and saying FUCK IT!!! I'll run away with the damn bracelet to Vegas or something lol... that's how bad it got... always in a fight, always arguing and always just making noise... to this day we have our moments where we get into it but I got to say we've managed much better from what it was and simply because I said "we don't have to agree with what we say or feel all the time BUT we will respect each others feelings and thought" with that things definitely changed and honestly it should be like that in any relationship whether it be friends or boyfriends or husband/wife, you dont always have to agree with what your partner is saying but you should always respect their valid thoughts and feelings... and its what we are practicing, I consider him a very dear and close friend and even though I hate his guts sometimes and we jump into pointless and I mean pointless bullshit I love him with all my heart for the Man that he is and the Man he has been for me through all of this... we remain as good friends now and working on this friendship... finally seem to be at peace with him and him with me...
So beyond all the crap I dealt with from crazy money issues, to almost losing my car and job, having so many car issues too... my poor baby Marilyn... to dealing with the emotions of the pain and silent depression I had at first, to dealing with the bullshit at home with my roommate, slowly very slowly I began to take everything and appreciate everything for what it was... and its what helped me through this whole experience... because in life everything and everyone in it isnt always going to be something you agree with, but its something you appreciate it for what it is... life has many hundreds and thousands of experiences it puts in your journey for what ever reason, know that every reason is significant to its existence in your life... dont fear them, to run from them, dont hide from them... embrace all that comes your way for the beauty it is... and I say beauty because everything and I mean EVERYTHING that happens in your life doesnt just happen to happen, it happens for a very uniquely designed reason and that design is made just for you... what I went through was meant for me and only me... and I take it as a friend told me "a blessing in disguise" and it truly was my blessing in disguise... it change who I was to the Man I am today, more powerful, more centered and truly more appreciative of life as a whole and everything in it...
I said this once and I will say it again, I hold no grudge, I hold no anger for the person who was merely a small part in all of this... simply because without him I would have never gone through this amazing story, it was my own choices that lead me to go through this experience and I learned from it and learned well... I am at complete peace with everything about him and have left it behind me, only reason why I mention him now at the end of this blog is because many still ask me about him and bring him up and I simply reply... "It wasn't his fault, it was Gods design" and with that I argue no more...
I am on top of the world and feel as if I can fly, and to me the sky is the limit from this moment on and all I really want you guys to see is that I am living proof that through any struggle in life with faith, hope and love you succeed ahead with life... know to listen to that inner voice called the voice of reason before making bad choices, and know that life truly is a blessing everyday in that waking moment... know to truly accept all the bad things in life and trust me when you do you will be able to embrace life for the immense power and beauty it holds... because everything about life is beyond words for me at this moment... and even though I understand now that we as humans have to experience a traumatic event to truly value life for what it really is, but please take my story for those who haven't gone through something so traumatic and see that I stood far beyond giving into the collapse of my life... I stood strong beyond it all and with the elements of faith and love at my side I over came it all... now all I have is the world before me as I step into it with no limits...
If you ever find yourself in a hard time in your life just believe in something, believe in hope believe in faith or believe in yourself and don't simply Don't Ever Stop Living.
-eVoN Forever.
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